I feel depressed.
This may be candid, because I am right in the heart of the storm. Well, not really storm. I would say anxiety looks and feels more like a storm. Depression is like this thing that pulls you under, or at least tries. Depression unchecked, unfought, can lead, and this is a very sad fact, to suicide.
I just happened to be looking in my sketch pad and came across some of my depressive pictures. And since they match how I feel I decided to share them. As you can see in this picture, there are crying and struggling people, sometimes in agonizing positions that might not even be possible.
But that is what depression brings. And the people are crying like I do often, once in awhile when I’m happy, because I’m a crier, but mostly because I’m sad, depressed, and scared. Sometimes that fear is of my own depression itself, and the dark thoughts it gives me.
Sometimes when I’ve talked to, or read that someone else struggled in a way I did, it wasn’t like I was glad they struggled, but I was glad I wasn’t the only one, and there was someone who seemed like they “had it together” but that was only their outside persona and they understood my struggle. Like when I go to my Weight Loss Studio and I talk to people, and listen to others, who have lost all of their weight, who are maintaining their weight now, and who still struggle with overeating. I am not happy when they struggle with cake, cookies, or not wanting to exercise, because I don’t want them to feel something unpleasant, but it helps me feel there are other people going through this as well. Even when I am not with them, I think of them, and it helps somehow. Its also helped when I’ve read things that rape survivors, as well as people with PTSD, depression, or anxiety have said sharing their struggle. It gives me a little bit of hope.
Often I feel like this picture; just miserable and barely holding on, with aspects that aren't even human.
I wanted to write this not only to get out my bad feelings, which writing is a way I do that, but for two other reasons. One reason is I want to speak directly to people who suffer, or have suffered from depression and show you that you aren’t the only one, and even though I am weak right now, completely, forcefully immersed so deeply in this depression, I will hopefully, be stronger and happier sometime, as you can be. I probably will, but its hard to see positively or out of this moment in depression, because in the middle of depression it feels like it will always feel this way. Depression fucks with your head, and I think its in this mind state, when people feel like it will always feel this way/be this way, that they hurt themselves. And the other reason is I REALLY want people who have someone in their lives with depression to know what they can and can’t do for their loves ones.
One way I have dealt with my depression, as you can see, is my exploration of the arts. I had been drawing these suffering depressed people for awhile one night.
time for bed. Before when I had drawn my depressing people I thought perhaps it was a thing a depressed person was doing to increase their depression (Not on purpose. If Depression was its own living entity, because it feels like it is at times, it would encourage you and push you to do things that would keep you depressed. It’s in Depression’s own interest, to stay alive itself). But then I all of a sudden said to him, slightly less depressed than when I had started drawing the picture, which is the first picture above, that I needed to draw these depressed people in pain because each one I drew, it took a little depression from me and put it on the page. I wish it was always like that, like once in awhile I can draw or write and get some of the depression out. Sometimes dancing, doing other hard exercise, or playing with my daughter help. Other times nothing works to get me out of my sinking funk and I feel like this picture. 
There are so many things I have to tell you about depression, and I will do that in other posts. I will probably have subtopics and be more organized. I thought I should edit this a bunch after I write it because my head is all over the place, but then I thought, no, people should see how a person is right in the middle of heavy depression acts. (though I have edited it a little as to be a little more understandable).
There are the physical things that come with depression. They don’t all come every time I have depression, but some of them come. Quite often if I was in the middle of my depression I would not be able to even write this blog. And if I could do that, like I am doing now, I wouldn’t be able to organize it very well. Since I mentioned physical things that happen I’ll mention some symptoms I have. Headaches, nausea, digestive issues, my binge eating disorder (I think people with depression are more prone to addiction), fatigue, and see, I can’t even think of the other things. Oh yeah, not being able to think very well, but that’s cognitive. The physical, mental, and emotional get all mixed up and inner-woven and turn into this messy soup of foul depression. Sometimes when it gets worse emotionally I think of suicide. I feel ashamed about that sometimes, even though I know its natural for someone with my disease. But its society telling me I should be ashamed, and if it didn't encourage that maybe more people would speak up; it could save lives. I try to fight the thoughts, but they can’t be fought alone, or I just keep falling.
So before you get suicidal, you need to already have a plan. You need to have a psychiatrist or other medical professional(It doesn't mean they have to follow the "medical model" per se), a therapist, possibly clergy if applicable, and supportive friends and family. Then you will need coping skills like I mentioned my writing or art. Things that can change your mind, or at lease keep it away from dangerous thoughts, even for a short time. Yours could be watching movies, going to coffee with a friend, or taking a warm scented bath. Its good to have a long list because sometimes you can’t bring yourself to do certain things. Sometimes my depression disables me in different ways. If its made me isolate, which is common for depressives, I can’t go out and see people. Sometimes I can’t even move, and when I need to I have to give myself simple directions, tiny steps, just to get off the bed. Sometimes my partner has to help give me these directions.
I was just thinking today, while writing stuff like, “damn, this is shitty writing cuz I feel depressed and can’t think very well,” but I was able to get one idea, with 4 parts out it. I don’t know how it will help me yet, even though I think it might, and it could possibly help you. I was thinking, I went to yoga today and had a really good time; why am I depressed. Then I realized I have depression for possibly, 4 reasons.
1) There is depression from something that has happened that day or possibly yesterday that hasn’t been explored or dealt with yet. Its more on the surface, and sometimes easier to identify. (I couldn’t see any of that in my depression assessment today at first, but on second thought I realized I was depressed for awhile yesterday because of a binge)
2) Then there is depression that is based upon what is going on the last couple weeks, or possibly months, but the last couple weeks will be closer to current feelings. This for me has been lots of snowing and well below zero weather, losing our childcare because of this weather (not being able to drive in the snow covered ice once and getting stuck for three hours in the snow another time) therefore not being able to do everything we needed or getting special time with my partner. Then his car stopped working and he used mine for a week, in which I was out of a car. It has stressed my partner out as well, and he let that out recently which didn’t go well. (I realized that this was a particular type of depression I was suffering from, even though a lot of talking has helped calm this issue).
3) There is this this depression I think is about things that have been going on awhile in your life, that limit you, that could alleviate a little depression if it was solved, but that's hard because its been going on for so long. These can be issues that made your depression surface originally(like my 1st rape made my depression surface), or issues that came after your depression started. I feel like if you want to solve these issues a lot a little steps with a professional (or someone who has gone through it- in some cases a person's sponsor from a 12 step group, or a wise experienced survivor, could be that "professional" ). Some of the issues I have in this category are my assaults, a traumatic car accident, my low self-esteem, my obesity, some childhood issues. I think things in this category are things that we sometimes think, if this think got taken care, of everything would be okay. I always thought that about my weight, but after losing more than half of my weight I realized it wouldn't end my depression. I thought the same that everything would be fine when I wasn't in poverty. Other issues for people are "once I find love, once I defeat this addiction, once I get education, once I move," etc.
4) Then there’s the issue that I forget sometimes. I don’t know why. I can be feeling okay and then, all of a sudden, this mental cloud penetrates the core of my being and I can’t figure out why. The reason is I have PTSD which houses depression and heavy chronic depression, I’ve had since I was young. I think I forget, because a part of me, when I’m not miserable really wants to be a “normal” person so bad.
So in conclusion,
in response to those four ideas, which it did look like I was suffering from each, is that there are things, methods, ways, to work with the first three. That could be hopeful. But if you do have depression, the terrible thing is you can’t control the last one at all. Yes, we can medicate it, and do a bunch of self-help work, which can only produce a certain amount of alleviation. We are stuck with depression. I might possibly feel just a tiny bit better talking about this and sharing my art. AND YOU HELP ME BY READING MY WORDS AND LOOKING AT MY ART. THANK YOU!
Most of this art really shows how I feel, way more often than I want. Well, I don’t want any of the disease. I get sad, obviously, but I get really mad, and curse this depression. DAMN YOU DEPRESSION!!! I try to use the tools I set up, which you should work with professionals, others and yourself, if you analyze yourself obsessively as I do, to come up with ideas that might help you. But know, like in this picture, when you need someone to take you to their home to watch you, or to a hospital of treatment center. Also you can simply call a crisis center in your area (which you should have the number available to you ahead of time.) It’s brave to ask for help! An organization you can get information of be lead to help is NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
The funny thing is that this picture of a woman escorting her friend to get mental health help was the first I drew of all of these depressive pictures. It probably means something, but I’m not deep enough to figure it out in my state of mine. Maybe you can.
This may be candid, because I am right in the heart of the storm. Well, not really storm. I would say anxiety looks and feels more like a storm. Depression is like this thing that pulls you under, or at least tries. Depression unchecked, unfought, can lead, and this is a very sad fact, to suicide.
I just happened to be looking in my sketch pad and came across some of my depressive pictures. And since they match how I feel I decided to share them. As you can see in this picture, there are crying and struggling people, sometimes in agonizing positions that might not even be possible.
Sometimes when I’ve talked to, or read that someone else struggled in a way I did, it wasn’t like I was glad they struggled, but I was glad I wasn’t the only one, and there was someone who seemed like they “had it together” but that was only their outside persona and they understood my struggle. Like when I go to my Weight Loss Studio and I talk to people, and listen to others, who have lost all of their weight, who are maintaining their weight now, and who still struggle with overeating. I am not happy when they struggle with cake, cookies, or not wanting to exercise, because I don’t want them to feel something unpleasant, but it helps me feel there are other people going through this as well. Even when I am not with them, I think of them, and it helps somehow. Its also helped when I’ve read things that rape survivors, as well as people with PTSD, depression, or anxiety have said sharing their struggle. It gives me a little bit of hope.
Often I feel like this picture; just miserable and barely holding on, with aspects that aren't even human.
One way I have dealt with my depression, as you can see, is my exploration of the arts. I had been drawing these suffering depressed people for awhile one night.
There are the physical things that come with depression. They don’t all come every time I have depression, but some of them come. Quite often if I was in the middle of my depression I would not be able to even write this blog. And if I could do that, like I am doing now, I wouldn’t be able to organize it very well. Since I mentioned physical things that happen I’ll mention some symptoms I have. Headaches, nausea, digestive issues, my binge eating disorder (I think people with depression are more prone to addiction), fatigue, and see, I can’t even think of the other things. Oh yeah, not being able to think very well, but that’s cognitive. The physical, mental, and emotional get all mixed up and inner-woven and turn into this messy soup of foul depression. Sometimes when it gets worse emotionally I think of suicide. I feel ashamed about that sometimes, even though I know its natural for someone with my disease. But its society telling me I should be ashamed, and if it didn't encourage that maybe more people would speak up; it could save lives. I try to fight the thoughts, but they can’t be fought alone, or I just keep falling.
I was just thinking today, while writing stuff like, “damn, this is shitty writing cuz I feel depressed and can’t think very well,” but I was able to get one idea, with 4 parts out it. I don’t know how it will help me yet, even though I think it might, and it could possibly help you. I was thinking, I went to yoga today and had a really good time; why am I depressed. Then I realized I have depression for possibly, 4 reasons.
2) Then there is depression that is based upon what is going on the last couple weeks, or possibly months, but the last couple weeks will be closer to current feelings. This for me has been lots of snowing and well below zero weather, losing our childcare because of this weather (not being able to drive in the snow covered ice once and getting stuck for three hours in the snow another time) therefore not being able to do everything we needed or getting special time with my partner. Then his car stopped working and he used mine for a week, in which I was out of a car. It has stressed my partner out as well, and he let that out recently which didn’t go well. (I realized that this was a particular type of depression I was suffering from, even though a lot of talking has helped calm this issue).
3) There is this this depression I think is about things that have been going on awhile in your life, that limit you, that could alleviate a little depression if it was solved, but that's hard because its been going on for so long. These can be issues that made your depression surface originally(like my 1st rape made my depression surface), or issues that came after your depression started. I feel like if you want to solve these issues a lot a little steps with a professional (or someone who has gone through it- in some cases a person's sponsor from a 12 step group, or a wise experienced survivor, could be that "professional" ). Some of the issues I have in this category are my assaults, a traumatic car accident, my low self-esteem, my obesity, some childhood issues. I think things in this category are things that we sometimes think, if this think got taken care, of everything would be okay. I always thought that about my weight, but after losing more than half of my weight I realized it wouldn't end my depression. I thought the same that everything would be fine when I wasn't in poverty. Other issues for people are "once I find love, once I defeat this addiction, once I get education, once I move," etc.
4) Then there’s the issue that I forget sometimes. I don’t know why. I can be feeling okay and then, all of a sudden, this mental cloud penetrates the core of my being and I can’t figure out why. The reason is I have PTSD which houses depression and heavy chronic depression, I’ve had since I was young. I think I forget, because a part of me, when I’m not miserable really wants to be a “normal” person so bad.
So in conclusion,
Most of this art really shows how I feel, way more often than I want. Well, I don’t want any of the disease. I get sad, obviously, but I get really mad, and curse this depression. DAMN YOU DEPRESSION!!! I try to use the tools I set up, which you should work with professionals, others and yourself, if you analyze yourself obsessively as I do, to come up with ideas that might help you. But know, like in this picture, when you need someone to take you to their home to watch you, or to a hospital of treatment center. Also you can simply call a crisis center in your area (which you should have the number available to you ahead of time.) It’s brave to ask for help! An organization you can get information of be lead to help is NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
The funny thing is that this picture of a woman escorting her friend to get mental health help was the first I drew of all of these depressive pictures. It probably means something, but I’m not deep enough to figure it out in my state of mine. Maybe you can.
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