Online I have seen a couple parents throwing coming out parties for their children, disclosing their sexual orientation or gender identity. like a mother in Kentucky. On a post that went viral on Facebook she said about her son who came out as transgender, “When your child comes out as trans, the best thing to do is create a photoshoot to celebrate the fact that he silently and bravely stepped out of the race that he never wanted to be in, found his own lane and proceeded to win. HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY, Adrian! You are without a doubt the most fascinating human I know and I will always be your biggest fan! I love you, I honor who you are and I respect your courage to be unapologetically you!! Lets celebrate!!”
There are many happy stories and happy videos online, things that make me feel like our society might be progressing, or perhaps parents are just doing what they should; supporting their children no matter what. But it’s still inspiring.
(pic by willowbrookst.org)
First of all, before I go any further I will say a little about “coming out” or “coming out of the closet", which is the entire phrase. The phrase started in the LGBTQ community, which is a metaphor for disclosing one’s sexual orientation and or gender identity. While a person can come out any time they like, many people come out on National Coming Out Day, or NCOD. When someone comes out to you above would be the best reaction, but not everyone needs or even wants a giant celebration. LGBTQ people first come out to themselves and this can happen at various ages. Sometimes they first come out to friends they know would be very supportive or to people who are LGBTQ themselves, and then sometimes family members are the last people they come out to, because they can be the hardest.
In this post I am primarily speaking about people coming out to their parents. And I am primarily speaking to people who are having someone come out to them, although I think a post geared towards LGBTQ people, giving them advice and tips on how they could come out to different people, and how to prepare themselves for that is a good idea. (I will sometimes address this group in the 2nd person, speaking directly to them, while other times backing up to the 3rd person in another paragraph. Then I even tell a little about my personal story, hitting you with some 1st person action. So don't report me to the Blog Police for doing this. It is understandable).
By the time an LGBTQ person comes out to you they have probably had a lot of thought about how they should do it, when they should do it, and they may guess what your response would be. It is a very vulnerable thing to come out. when a person comes out it like they are standing there naked, all defenses down, exposing the very truth of who they are, asking you if you accept them as they are. You, the person listening to the person coming out should try as hard as you can, if you are not a bigot, and are just caught off guard, to not react negatively. If you need to, tell them you love them, but need to go and think about it to avoid acting negatively while you process the information.
Then there are reactions to children (or adult children) coming out to parents and other loved ones, such as in this video in which a father disowns his gay son, and is even moving to a different town to get away from him. The young man in the video talks about other things related to coming out such as creating a supportive new “family” when you are rejected by your birth or adoptive family. This is a common concept in the LGBTQ community. I don’t know if people still say it today, but if my gaydar went off I would say, “I think that person is family," simply meaning they are part of the LGBTQ community. I'm intuitive & I use more than stereotypes such as wearing rainbows, or LGBTQ organization, or rainbow bumper stickers on their car. And if makes me feel good to see someone like me.
This next example isn’t something you want to watch if you don’t like arguing and swearing. It could also be triggering to LGBTQ people struggling with their sexual orientation or the reaction they received from someone. Luckily, we don’t see the people in the video being violent. Another person is watching the video taking notes and later he tells us about it, analyzes it, and disputes a couple points made by the homophobic parents . Here is the link to the video of a violent reaction to child coming out.
In those two examples of parents acting negatively they disown their children, but there are other negative reactions such is refusing to acknowledge that the child has come out, or refusing to refer to them as said particular gender or sexual orientation. Its important to acknowledge the person has come out to you. Its validating. Silence is not acceptance! Like one person a couple months thought it was acceptable just to not say anything about me coming out to them (luckily that situation turned out okay, but I do write a lot of this information to give people the benefit of the doubt. Some well-meaning people just don't know how to react). A parent can demand that the person not act on their gay feelings (some churches say they are open minded towards LGBTQ people as long as they don't act on their feelings = homophobic), take them to regular counseling, or take them to conversion therapy which is supposed to fix gay people and make them straight. One, it doesn’t work, and two, it can be very emotionally traumatizing.
(An example of a place like this is in the movie But I’m a Cheerleader).
Between throwing parties, disowning people, and kicking them out of the house, there are some middle ground reactions, which I found, searching for videos and websites. Sometimes a parent’s reaction is based upon if they already knew the child was LGBTQ. Some parents suspect, even if its unconscious. Many parents go through shock, grief, guilt, blame, disappointment and anger. These are some of the things that parents who react negatively feel or how they respond. But some parents don’t react in the best manner at first because they are taken off guard, and then they redeem themselves by apologizing for their reaction and saying they love their child no matter what. These parents may acknowledge their child’s partner, but might not be marching in any pride parade or going to a PFLAG meeting. In general, this might be an acceptable relationship in which there is a little to some acceptance, especially if the person thought the parent would react negatively. But I personally don’t think its enough.
I don’t think that a parent has to give their child a party with a photo shoot, but I think something between parents who have acted in a sort of medium way just mentioned above, and having a party is what is acceptable. I also may have a different idea of what is acceptable than others do.
The fact that I had to come out a couple years in a row on NCOD to one of my parents because they wouldn't acknowledge what I said, was not acceptable, but the fact that he or she became more supportive eventually was okay. The fact that one of my siblings hung up on me when I came out, which she denies, was not cool, but she’s really cool and supportive now. And I was more nervous telling the other parent, ready for a negative reaction, but not nearly as bad as the negative reactions I mentioned above. This parent was serious when I came out, which does not put a person at ease, but eventually he or she explained that they were just concerned I could get hurt (like I think hate crimes was the thought), but accepted me. I don’t particularly remember how the other two people in my family found out, or if I came out to them directly. In my family sometimes you just tell the right person, and they will help and spread the message around to everyone for you. Thanks! So, I feel like my family, especially my siblings, whom two of are technically in the generation before mine according to the exact years we were born, are mostly accepting. All three of my siblings are younger and I find younger people to be more open and familiar with LGBTQ people and issues in general.
(pic I drew of siblings & I in front of the house we grew up in not long after I came out. I'm the short one on the far left. Hey I never said I was some professional artist. I just dabble. Cuz look at how weird my brother, on the right looks; lol).
The only thing I would complain about is one of my parents, a progressive minded person in general, on more than one occasion asked why I was looking at a lesbian magazine or concerned with those issues. I am bisexual, and I will discuss this more when I write about bi issues, but many people would think if I partnered with a woman, I would be a lesbian, and a man, which I just happened to do, I would be straight, as if my identity, who I really am disappeared. I am not losing my identity for someone. Sometimes people understand better when someone comes out as gay, lesbian, or trans. There are some of the same, but some different issues and reactions to coming out bi.
Coming out is supposed to be liberating and freeing! You can make it that way for someone! You don’t have to ask them questions about their partner all of the time, but don’t ignore what they said, never talking about it, thinking that feels like acceptance to the LGBTQ person. Its good to say something once in a while at the least, so that your acceptance is known, if you choose to be an accepting person. And its okay if you are naïve and ask stupid, but not offensive, and well-meaning questions, because you simply don’t know or understand. Even that shows an interest in the child.
And for my last thought, and really think about this: Coming out shouldn’t be a thing! It’s a result of a heteronormative society in which we have to come out or people will assume we are straight. IT SHOULDN’T BE NECESSARY CUZ STRAIGHT PEOPLE DON’T HAVE TO COME OUT! But since I don’t want to live by this heterocentric standard I assume everyone is bisexual until they come out to me, not because I am bi, but because it’s a sorta middle ground.
Comments
Post a Comment