I was Greatly Offended and Complimented at the Same Time

Already into the adoption process, waiting to adopt my daughter, I had a person, who was close to me, question whether I should adopt. He said it was a hard job. I knew that he knew more than I knew about the topic since he had had several children. I told him I have read, heard from people, seen socially, as well as in my positions as a social worker, that it was a hard job. I said I was ready. Already I felt like he was starting to judge me, so I was a little offended, and a little on guard. Then he questioned whether I would be nurturing enough. I was about to flip my lid at this point. There was a bunch of stuff I should have said at that time, but I froze. And the shock of what he was saying wouldn’t stop there. I’ll explain in a bit. I think I said some of what I was thinking. I was thinking, how dare you, and I knew him, so I knew that he was not one ounce more nurturing than I was. I pretty much could bet that people would think I was more nurturing. I had three younger siblings, babysat as a teen and young adult, and in the middle of looking for social work jobs I worked in a before-and-after-school program with at-risk children and in a Montessori daycare. I also had a couple nieces and a nephew at the time. Then I realized that perhaps the worse thing was, more than thinking I was not nurturing, which I didn’t doubt I was, was the fact that he didn’t know me. We have known each other so many years, but he hadn’t seen me with children, or he wasn’t paying attention. Attention span is not one of his high points.

Then the conversation changed. I can’t remember if it was he who broached the subject, or if it was I who asked, what proved I wasn’t nurturing, and therefore had better re-question adopting, as if a lot of thought hadn’t gone into it already. Then he insulted me and complimented me at the same time, laying a huge statement out about women, which reverberated all over the place. He said parenting might not be for me because I was always into my writing, my reading, and studying things on my own, i.e., my personal intellectual pursuits. I didn’t know what to say. This person generally says things more supportive of women, but occasionally he comes out with some weird backwards shit. So apparently women couldn’t have intellectual pursuits, try to get higher degrees, like I am planning, and certainly not have high degrees already and have children and be nurturing to them. I was like “what the fuck?,” I’m not even that smart, but apparently brains get in the way of being nurturing. I never knew that. What about all the doctors, lawyers, professors I had seen who either gave birth to or adopted children, by themselves, or with a partner. I might not be the best parent if I was single, would have be a much better argument, but luckily, I’m not single. I think this says something about women. I think it says so much that I can’t even begin to understand all that it means, but I do want men to know that women are capable of a plethora of things, that might even seem like contradictory attributes. We can be warm, kind, compassionate, and yes, nurturing. We can also be intelligent, clever, and be innovative leaders. Another thing is, one parent (if there are two) can be the primary nurturing one, while the other can bring other attributes to the table. Who said the women had to be nurturing anyways? I know a woman who loves her kids fiercely, but is not a touchy/feely nurturing type of person. Some men, like my partner, are very nurturing.

Then the complement he gave me only comes from insecurity. Here are some SECRETS about me: my first insecurity, ever since I was young, cute and thin, (but of course didn’t know it) has been that I am not attractive. (If you read the first post for this blog you can learn how I am trying to work on that). And the second one is that I am not smart. Now you know my secrets. But maybe I can feel more attractive and smarter if I don’t keep those secrets in the dark. I was complemented that this person must have thought I was smart, which made me feel good. I mean, if I was smart enough that it messed up my ability to be nurturing, that must be really smart!

Hey women, I bet you have stupid things men have said to you too. Conversations that you can’t believe you are in. After people start commenting in here if you have an example like this and its short, I might have a post in which I publish your short instances. You can be anonymous or not. And if you are feminist/progressive/etc. I can also link to your blog/website/social media.